Wardrobe Malfunctions
by drake220
Summary: Hehe! Read the title and now think of all the ways clothing can go wrong! Is it wrong to get this much enjoyment out of someone's humiliation? Yes but who cares? Up now:"King of the Mountain." Inu and Miro try to take revenge on Shippou. please notice try
1. Kouga's skirt

A/N: I am bad…hehe! Enjoy!

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It was a calm day, peaceful and relaxing, full of sunshine and flowers. Walking calmly on a little dirt road that went through a valley, Inuyasha strolled along, Kagome at his side. Miroku and Sango were arguing about how bad Miroku's 'curse' _really_ was while Shipppo chased Kirara playfully. The peace was destroyed as in the distance, a small tornado emerged on the horizon.

"Oh no," mumbled Sango. Miroku nodded in misery while Kagome shifted around uncomfortably. Inuyasha fingered his Tessuiga in eager bloodlust. Shippo rolled his eyes and jumped onto Inuyasha's shoulders to rest and maybe delay the inevitable fight.

Kouga slid to a stop in front of his favorite woman. The whirlwind of dust his running created slowly died down as he grabbed Kagome's hands.

"Hey, Kagome. How's my woman doing?"

Kagome gasped and Sango let out a shrill scream. Both blushed furiously, turned and _ran_ in the other direction.

"Kagome, where are you going?" Kouga shouted after her in confusion.

The monk's eyes were wide and he flung himself on the ground, his hands covering his eyes. "Oh, why me??" Miroku wailed as he scurried away. "I looked right at him! Kami, _why?!?_"

Kouga stared at the retreating monk's back in puzzlement. _What the hell was going on?_

Inuyasha snickered.

"Getting a little overconfident, Kouga?" He snorted and a huge smile broke out on his face. "Definitely not competition," the hanyou said to the kitsune cub on his shoulder. Inuyasha let out another pleased grin as he turned to leave. Shippo made a face. That was way too much information for his tastes. Inuyasha snickered as he followed his fleeing companions.

Shippo piped up from the departing hanyou's shoulder. "You might want to think about investing in a pair of pants, Kouga. That or stop doing that whirlwind thing."

_Wha…?Pants?_

Just then a little breeze whirled through the air. Kouga shivered. _Man, it's cold..._

Comprehension, sudden and terrible, dawned.

Kouga glanced down at his lap,confused. _But thats not mine! It's so sma-_

Yanking his skirt down, Kouga shouted in fury, "It's cold outside! It's only like that because it's COLD OUTSIDE!"

A mocking laugh echoed in the valley. "Right! You tell yourself that, Kouga!"

Inuyasha winked at Shippo and whispered, "Definitely not competition."

"I HEARD THAT, MUTT FACE!!"

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_A/N: _How mean am I? Poor Kouga! I wrote this in a half hour, while nothing was happening at work. I might rewrite this but since it was just a spur of the moment thing, I probably won't. Hope you guys liked it! As always, critique is welcome and appreciated. (That goes for all my stories if you enjoy being a critic and want to review my other stories, hint hint……)


	2. The Purpose of Sit

A/N: Why? Because I wanted to!

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Inuyasha waited.

He knew it was coming. It was inevitable. As inevitable as spring following winter and summer following spring.

He waited.

It had been a calculated move on his part. He knew what to say, he knew the motions to make, he understood her to a depth no one expected.

"Inuyasha! You're such a jerk!" Kagome wailed unhappily.

_Come on bitch,_ Inuyasha urged in his mind. _Say it…_

"I cooked for you! I took time from studying and meeting my friends to cook you something good and then you go and spit it out and say it's too spicy!" Kagome shouted, stamping her foot. "It's beyond aggravating! I put an entire cup of sugar in it even though the recipe only calls for three tablespoons!"

"It was too spicy!" Inuyasha shouted into Kagome's face. _Any minute now_, he thought, barely containing his excitement.

Kagome let out a good imitation of Inuyasha's growl and finally snapped as Inuyasha delicately spit out a piece of her carefully planned dinner. "SIT!" she yelled, hands clenched into fists. "SIT SIT SIT!"

_Wham!_

Inuyasha hit the earth with all the power of the spell behind it. His hands ached and his back felt as if it had snapped in half. For a moment, he wondered if it was all worth it.

Then he looked up and knew that all the pain in the world couldn't deter him from this view.

_Panties!_ Inuyasha's mind sang out joyously. Long legs were unconsciously on show, tapering to smooth and shapely thighs to the most glorious thing of all, Kagome's underwear. _Panties panties panties!_

Inuyasha quickly dropped his face into the earth, hiding his ear-to-ear smile. His eyes were not seeing the brown earth but instead pale flesh and an adorable woman's area hidden by, in Inuyasha's opinion, the greatest invention ever created.

_She went on and on about rockets_, Inuyasha mentally chuckled. _Panties are much much more interesting!_

Kagome was tapping her foot and lecturing Inuyasha on his manners but all Inuyasha was paying attention to was the fact that her undies kept on flashing, teasing him mercilessly with little glimpses as Kagome's thigh muscles shifted with the movements of her cute little foot.

"Are you paying attention to me?" Kagome snapped.

"Sort of," Inuyasha answered honestly.

Kagome snapped the command again and stomped away, aggravated to the point of seeing red.

Miroku quickly rushed over. Bending down close to the hanyou, he asked urgently, "Well? What color?"

Inuyasha pushed himself up. Groaning, he stretched and whispered back, "Light blue with a little black bow."

Miroku's eyes widened as a perverted smile broke across his face. "Oooh!" he said with a depraved chuckle. "How lovely a sight that must have been…"

Inuyasha linked his hands behind his head and nodded happily. "God bless girls and their need for frilly things."

Miroku laughed and agreed.

Up the road, out of sight from everyone, Kagome couldn't suppress a shameless grin.

Sango rolled her eyes. "Why do you let him do this? Don't you feel degraded?"

Kagome glanced at her friend with a challenging look in her eyes. "Have you seen Inuyasha run after Kikyo lately?"

"No."

"Exactly," Kagome pronounced in satisfaction.

Sango looked at her and smiled reluctantly. "Do you think they'll ever figure it out?" she asked.

Kagome snorted delicately. "No. They're men- thinking isn't their forte."

Sango glanced back at the self-satisfied and wholly manipulated Inuyasha.

"True," she agreed.

The group walked on, all smiling and happy. It was a good day for everyone, albeit for different reasons entirely.

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A/N: Hey! This was inspired by Piers Anthony's Xanth series. The man is a forever 14 year old boy and god bless him for it. I don't read the series anymore but the 'Panty Freeze' has stuck in my mind and makes me laugh every time I think about it.

I realize now that it may seem as if I have an undergarment obsession but this was written before 'Thank You'! The idea has been done to death but I still think it's amusing. Hope you all liked it anyways. Thanks in advance for the reviews! (How's that for pushy?)

Oh, and that epilogue to All Things is just being edited. Should be up by Sunday night!


	3. Proof of God

A/N: Hehehe…this is the first of many Sango inspired chapters to come. I can see at least two more. Enjoy!

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**Proof of God:**

Miroku wanted to grab Inuyasha by his stupid, girl-caress-inspiring ears and rip them off his head.

"There is a god," he reiterated for the thousandth time.

Inuyasha snorted eloquently. "Please," the half-youkai drawled. "I've never seen him."

"Could be a 'her'," Miroku mused. "If god is anywhere, it is most assuredly in the female form…"

Inuyasha stared at the monk he called friend, an annoyed look on his face. "You're a pervert, you know that?" the dog demon sighed. "Just in case no one has ever told you, you are a complete and total pervert."

Miroku grinned. "Jealous that I get to fondle my lady and you get no such joys?"

Inuyasha flared bright red and spat out an incomprehensible answer in sputters, shouts and growls.

"I don't speak idiot," Miroku reminded his short tempered friend with a sly smile and a teasing look.

"Why you-!" Inuyasha snarled, reaching for Tessuigia.

Miroku chuckled and would have said something about the miko and half demon's relationship that either would have put Inuyasha in a coma from shock or gotten the priest killed but an unhappy murmur broke his concentration.

"Sango?" the monk mumbled, unsure about what he was hearing.

Inuyasha nodded confirmation, head turning in the direction Kagome and Sango were.

"It'll be all right Sango-chan," Kagome was heard to sooth.

Sango sniffed miserably. "No, it won't! I can't go out in public!"

"I do," Kagome said reasonably.

"That's because you're not from around here!" Sango protested. "I look completely indecent."

Kagome and Sango stepped into the clearing where the group had stopped for the night after a battle.

Miroku felt as if the very life in his body stopped. If Naraku had offered his body for slaughter, Miroku would have been unable to move for the sight his eyes saw was too awe inspiring to move.

Sango- a completely miserable Sango- was dressed in one of Kagome's uniforms. Unfortunately for the humiliated demon slayer, she was significantly taller and more generously endowed then her petite friend. The flared green skirt barely covered Sango's bottom and whenever she moved, the hem would expose a teasing amount of curved flesh. The sailor top was no better. Sized to fit the modestly endowed and bra wearing Kagome, Sango's unfettered breasts strained against the material and her nipples created shadows on the shirt front. The top was also too short and the shirt just grazed Sango's navel. The demon slayers long, long legs were on full display as she walked in sandals and no socks.

Sango shuffled forward and looked at her male traveling companions with a flushed face.

"You know how my demon slayer outfit got ruined the other day? Well, when we were by the river, an otter took my clothing and I couldn't get to it in time!" Sango explained in a rush of words. "Kagome-chan lent me some clothes…I understand if you don't want to travel with me when I look like this-"

"Nothat'sfineyoulookgreatDON'TCHANGE!" Miroku interrupted anxiously.

Kagome was everything sweet and nice in her uniform but Sango in the fuku….Sango was sex. Hard, dirty, raunchy sex in a schoolgirl sailor uniform.

"Ulp," Inuyasha agreed intelligently as he tried to swallow. He tried to stop ogling her but he was just a hanyou, not a saint.

"Come on," Kagome said after glaring Inuyasha into a small ball of quivering repenting male. "The next village will have a kimono for you to buy."

"That'd be great!" Sango said enthusiastically. The two girls walked away, Kagome nonchalant and Sango surreptitiously trying to tug down the back of her skirt. Neither girl noticed that Inuyasha and Miroku were not following them.

After a few moments passed, Miroku turned to his still dumbfounded friend and smiled.

"You can come out now," the monk called to the forest. A rock burst with a pop and Shippou ran over to the two.

"You're a pervert," the kitsune informed Miroku as he handed him Sango's kimono.

"And you like pocky too much," Miroku retorted as he gave Shippou his bribe.

"Mmm pocky!" hummed Shippou happily as he trotted away.

"What the hell? Please tell me this isn't what I think it is!" Inuyasha said in shock.

"I knew Sango's demon slaying outfit was ruined from that poisonous miasma and she only has one change of clothing. So it was all a matter of arranging for an 'otter' to be there at the right time," Miroku said with a proud smile.

Inuyasha stared at him. "You are sick. Sick in the head."

"And happy as a lark!" Miroku agreed with a pleased look. "Now come on. We have two lovely ladies waiting for our company."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes but walked next to the monk as they walked to catch up to the others.

The two men rounded a bend in the road just in time to see Sango trip and fall, her skirt flying up and exposing her entire backside.

"And you said there's no such thing as God," Miroku snorted gleefully.

"Pervert."

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A/N: Hope you liked it! Read and Review!


	4. Deliberation on the Riverbank

A/N: Hey everyone! I received a gracious and lovely review (as all are. Thanks to anyone who does!) that pointed out to me that the previous incarnation of chapter four had, in fact, NO wardrobe malfunction! (insert gasp of authorly horror here). Suddenly, like a bolt of proverbial lightening or too hot coffee on the roof of your mouth, I had- wait for it!- an idea! Yes! An idea, inspiration, a muse- all thanks to the fabulous reviewer OniyuriGaaru! Thus, I present to you the newly improved chapter four.

There's a new ending and I have to say it's even more OOCness for poor 'I-want-my-boyfriend-to-be-a-necrophiliac' Kikyou. Before I get any flames about this, I know she's OOC. Go with the flow you sticklers for correct characterization! Live a little outside the box!

Also, I forgot to mention last time that I don't own the Inuyasha franchise. Otherwise Kagome would wear something else besides her school uniform. (How many other middle schoolers do you know that love their required sailor suits? None, that's who. You wanna know why no one questions Kagome's frequent absences? Because they constantly see her in her school uniform and so think she's mentally imbalanced. But that's just a theory. You can have your own opinions on that… )

R&R please!

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**Deliberation on the riverbank:**

Kikyou sat on a hill overlooking a river. For once, her life sustaining Soul Stealers were quiet and still. She was downwind from the targets of her scrutiny and was undetectable.

_He still should have sensed I was here_, the former priestess thought peevishly as an oblivious hanyou played in the water with his friends.

_I was his friend, _Kikyou thought unhappily._ I was his only friend when he needed one so badly. Yet, now in my time of need, he cannot be a friend to me. He is too busy with his new ones. _She looked at the group of shard hunters, saw their easy camaraderie and felt jealousy lick at her insides.

_It is all that girl's fault! _Kikyou thought venomously_. Without her, none of the rest would even know each other!_

Below Kikyou's hill, Kagome was laughing and splashing Sango as Shippou ran around gleefully.

_What is it about her that pulls everyone near her? _Kikyou wondered.

_She is not as powerful as I am._

_She is not as useful._

_Is it her more cheerful smile? Her seemingly endless energy? Her kind nature?_

_What is it about her that makes people, demons and hanyous all love her?_

_Perhaps her optimistic attitude toward life? Her patience and empathy?_

_Or maybe_, Kikyou thought as Kagome ran out of the water in a tiny black bikini, _it's her damn swimwear. _

Kagome waved energetically to a captivated Inuyasha who was not so subtly trying to stop ogling the girl's wet and exposed body. The teenager was jiggling and bouncing and the half demon was obviously enjoying the show.

"Tramp," muttered Kikyou spitefully_. One day I shall also have a 'bikini' thing and then we shall see who is truly powerful!_

Kikyou examined Kagome's bikini closer and mentally reneged her vow with a sigh_. Never mind, _she admitted to herself_. I don't have the ass for it. However…_

An unassuming bit of Power managed to unravel the ties of Kagome's top. The fabric fluttered to the ground with the help of an unnatural wind. For a moment everyone in the little group stared at the bits of black fabric that had protected Kagome's chest from view. As the teenaged girl's humiliated screeches rang out, Kikyou couldn't prevent a wholly feminine smirk of from crossing her face.

_However_ I _have bigger breasts_, the ex- priestess thought, terribly pleased with herself_. And that definitely counts for something…_

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A/N: Hehe! Hope you liked it OniyuriGaaru! I just think the idea of Kikyou thinking all of Kagome's personality and power comes from a itsy bitsy black bikini quite funny. Instead of the Force, she has skimpy swimwear! Review again if you want, don't if you don't. Thanks for the support!


	5. Compensation Complex

A/N: hey everyone! I'm totally bored at work and so I wrote this. It's my idea of how a battle between the Inu gang and the Shichinintai should go. Besides, the minute I laid eyes on Banryu all those months ago when I finally got all the Inuyasha episodes, I knew I had to write about the obvious issues some of the males have in this show.

Warning perversion ahead (That's what makes it so much fun!)

So enjoy and review!

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**Compensation Complex**:

Kagome slid to a halt inside the palace wall, Sango at her heels. All around them was evidence of the Shichinintai's destructive tendencies. The sky was hazy with smoke and ash as the castle burned. Walls had crumbled and smoldered as hundreds of bodies bled and twitched.

"How horrible," Kagome whispered.

"I know," Sango agreed sadly. "So much death…"

"Well that too but I was talking about that guy's compensation issues."

Sango looked at Bankotsu's Banryu and blanched. "Well, someone's insecure…"

Kagome shook her head. "I love Japanese men but I mean, come on. No one is going to think that a sword that big means he's got a…big sword."

Sango hide a smile. "It is rather obvious isn't it?"

"Poor guy," Kagome chuckled. "It must be tiny for him to feel like he needs carry around a halberd that big."

Blissfully unaware that the battlefield had gone completely silent, the two girls laughed.

"HEY!" shouted a humiliated Bankotsu. "Banryu is not an indication of anything!"

"Don't I wish…," mumbled Jakotsu.

"Shut up!" snapped Bankotsu, glowering ferociously.

"I'm sorry but it looks like compensation," Kagome shrugged.

"It's true," Sango piped up in defense of her friend. "I mean, calling it 'my companion'? That's a dead giveaway."

"But it is my companion!" protested Bankotsu, reaching down to the halberd at his feet. "Look!" As his hand moved, it was unclear whether it was traveling toward the sword's covering or the front of his pants.

"NO!" shouted Kagome and Sango as they shielded their eyes in desperation. "We do not need to see that!"

"BANKOTSU!" Jakotsu cried out. "I've waited forever for you to take off your pants and just because those two _vile_ girls said something, you whip it out! That's so unfair!"

"What? No! Not that…Come on Jakotsu, you know I didn't mean it like that," the young leader tried to pacify his huffy best friend.

"What. Ever." Jakotsu sniffed and turned away, refusing to look at the braided male he adored.

The group of shard hunters stared at the scene.

"Um, are they…?" Miroku trailed off suggestively to Suikotsu.

"Maybe. None of us really want to know," the schizophrenic answered with a grimace.

Ginkotsu nodded empathetically. "Don't ask, don't tell…"

"Damn straight," agreed Renkotsu.

"Well, that's the problem," Shippou snickered. "They're not."

Bankotsu, ignoring the muttering group, pointed to a horrified Inuyasha. "What about the half dog mutt?" he challenged.

"Me?" Inuyasha asked blankly.

"Yeah!" Bankotsu jeered. "If I'm compensating, you sure as hell are too!"

"I am not compensating!" Inuyasha shouted.

"Neither am I!"

"Why don't you both take off your pants and we'll see who is bigger?" suggested Jakotsu gleefully. "I'll be the judge!"

"Shut up Jakotsu!" both leaders yelled, turning identical shades of red.

"He's right," Miroku mused aloud. "Inuyasha is probably also proving something to himself with the Tessuiga. A wise observation…"

"Say that again, Mr. 'I-walk-around-holding-a-staff-all-day'!" Inuyasha shouted. "If anyone is hinting at something here, it's you!"

Miroku smiled gently at his friend. "Don't worry Inuyasha. It's not your fault that when Tessuiga isn't….aroused it's old and rusted looking and completely unappealing. I just can't help that my staff gives off an aura of power all the time." Miroku shrugged. "What can I say? Some men are just born with it."

"My Tessuiga is appealing all the damn time!" Inuyasha cursed. "And it's powerful!"

"No, I'd say my staff is the most powerful weapon here," Miroku disagreed.

"To hell with that! Anyone can see that Banryu is the greatest weapon here," Bankotsu boasted.

"Yes but you keep it covered up all the time. You are obviously ashamed of it because it doesn't respond to the stimulus you'd like it to," Miroku theorized.

"Just what the hell are you getting at?" Bankotsu said, his eyes narrowing.

Jakotsu, uninterested in the monk, decided to drive the conversation back onto track. "You know, they're most likely both tiny," he slyly suggested to anyone who was listening.

"Say that again you freak!" Inuyasha growled.

"He may be small but I'm not," snorted Bankotsu.

"Prove it," challenged the flamboyant gay.

"Fine!" shouted the naïve Bankotsu. "I will!"

"No way," protested Inuyasha. "I am not showing you my equipment!"

"Well then, we'll all just assume that you've got something to hide and our aniki here does not," Jakotsu said reasonably.

"Like hell I do!" shouted Inuyasha, reaching for his hakama ties as he was goaded past endurance.

"Oh for gods sake!" sighed Kagome in disgust. "Sango and I were joking before…oh never mind."

Jakotsu cheered happily as Inuyasha and Bankotsu pulled down their pants and compared weaponry.

"Whatever happened to normal battle?" groaned Miroku, turning away quickly.

"Just tell me when it's over," grumbled Suikotsu as he covered his eyes. "Neither one of me wants to see this."

"Ah, the good old days of yelling insults and then maybe dying," Renkotsu recalled fondly.

"See? I'm bigger!" shouted Inuyasha exultantly.

"No, I am!" Bankotsu disputed heatedly.

"I should get closer and check!" Jakotsu suggested happily.

"GO AWAY!" the two pant-less boys shouted.

On the sidelines, Sango shook her head ruefully. "We have to learn to talk quieter.

"You know those two are thinking that this may be the most important battle they'll ever fight," Kagome replied dryly.

"Men and their swords," shrugged Sango. "Can' live with them, can't live without them."

Kagome smiled. "Remind me to introduce you to a certain plastic friend of mine. It makes men a little redundant."

"Mine's bigger!" Bankotsu insisted, stamping his foot.

"Well, how about when I do this? Now I'm much bigger!" Inuyasha shouted back.

"Ha, I can do that too!"

"Anyone want to see mine?" Jakotsu offered.

"NO!"

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A/N: hehehe….:grins unrepentantly: I really can see Jakotsu doing this and poor Inuyasha and Bankotsu really would fall right into his trap. Great fighters but neither is exactly Newton, you know?

Also, has no one else seen Banryu and Tessuiga as clear compensation? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck….Is it just me that sees this?

It's not just those two either! I'm leaving a whole part I had with Sango's huge boomerang, Shippou's magical expanding toys (I just couldn't do it. I know he's technically 80 or something but come on, he's a little boy. Ew.) and Jakotsu snake-like, really long sword.

It didn't turn out as funny as I had hoped but whatever. Hope you enjoyed!


	6. The Bad Girls Guide to Demon Slaying

A/N: Sango comes up with a new way to defeat demons…lucky, lucky demons!

Enjoy!

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**Bad Girl's Guide to Demon Slaying:**

The road was dusty and the air thick and muggy. Trudging along with feet and heads that ached, the group of shard hunters were tired.

"Let's stop for a bit," Inuyasha commanded, the de facto leader noticing that his wilted companions had reached their limits.

With groans of happiness the others walked to side of the road and collapsed gratefully.

"Oh my feet," muttered Kagome, rubbing the appendages.

"I know," moaned Sango as she took a long drink. "I don't know what it is but I'm totally exhausted."

Shippou, always a bundle of energy, declared that he and Kirarawanted to go ahead. Knowing that Kaede's village was relativly close as the demon cat flew, Kagome nodded her approval and the two flew off.

Meandering over to the wary Inuyasha, Miroku clapped his friend on the shoulder. "You can sit down now," he suggested.

Inuyasha shook his head. "You guys take a rest. I'll stand watch."

Quirking an eyebrow up, Miroku shook his head. "I sense no evil spirits-"

"Because there are no ladies to seduce and no lords to take advantage of," Inuyasha interrupted, to the laughter of the girls.

Miroku sighed in annoyance. "You wound me! I do not take advantage!"

"Really?" snorted Inuyasha. "And here I thought that you just use that as an excuse for good food and loose women?"

Sango straightened up suddenly. With a ferocious glare, she sent all the hairs on Miroku's body rising. "What loose women is he talking about?"

Clearing his throat rather desperately, Miroku glared at the grinning Inuyasha. "Was this for telling that prostitute to go visit you?" he asked in a mutter.

"No, it was for telling her to come to me slathered in perfume," Inuyasha said unrepentantly. "I almost got a nose bleed from the stench."

Miroku chuckled, momentarily unaware of Sango's anger. "The look on your face was quite wonderful," he mused with a smile.

"Was it worth Sango ripping out your liver?" Inuyasha replied in a smirk as the furious demon slayer stomped toward the two men.

Miroku held out his hands to mollify. "Sango, you misundersta-_ow_!"

The lobe of his ear firmly between her fingers, the no nonsense girl shook the taller man like a rag doll. "Sure I do…" she snarled, twisting his ear.

The sound of a beastly roar shattered the beginning interrogation. Bursting into the area where the group stood arguing, a massive bull youkai roared in triumph. Its skin was the gleaming red of the fires of hell, his body muscular and nude except for a loincloth. Obsidian eyes glinting and snorting from a incisor filled mouth, the bull tossed its head around, the ivory horns shining in the sun. "The shards!" it shouted victoriously in a rough voice. "At last!"

"Kagome, stay back!" Inuyasha ordered, unsheathing Tetsusaiga and leaping forward.

"A demon!" Miroku shouted happily, pulling away from Sango. "How fortuitous!"

"Get back here monk!" Sango shouted, stamping her foot. "Inuyasha can handle that little thing! You and I are talking!"

"No, no, I have to go help my good friend!" Miroku replied, running as fast as he could to the fight.

"Miroku!" Sango shouted, her cheeks flushing a becoming red with anger. "I said let Inuyasha take care of it! He can definitely take care of a youkai that small!"

The bull demon turned slowly, his powerful chest filling with male indignation. "I am the extremely powerful demon Oushikuso!" He snorted smoke from his nostrils and bellowed a primal scream. "Keeper of ten cows and three fields!"

"All that?" Inuyasha said sarcastically. "Aren't you the lucky one?"

"I want those jewel shards! Soon I will complete the jewel and all the world will bow in obedience to me!" Oushikuso boasted.

"That's nice," Sango drawled with a sigh, turning away from him in complete disinterest.

"Don't ignore me!" the bull threatened. "Behold my most frightening power!" Lowering his head, he charged forward with his sharp horns, cloven hoofs digging into the earth and sending up clouds of dirt. Sango nimbly leapt over him, simultaneously taking her katana and ripping off a thick piece of skin and muscle as she passes over his back.

"I'm not in the mood for this," Sango sniffed. "Inuyasha, take care of him."

"Uh, Sango?" Kagome called out nervously. "Uh, look down…"

Confused, the demon slayer stared at the ground.

"No," Kagome shifted and would have darted forward if Inuyasha had not blocked her running toward her friend. "Sango, _look down!"_

Looking down at her chest, Sango gasped in horror.

Oushikuso's horns had not been as harmless as she had assumed. Her black demon suit had been neatly ripped down the middle, exposing almost the whole of her breasts.

Looking up in shock, she stared at her friends, her hands not managing to fully cover her revealed chest.

Miroku made a choking noise, his mouth filling with saliva too quickly. Mentally, he gave thanks to whatever god allowed this boon to a simple monk while, gasping and flailing his arms in horror, Inuyasha turned red and spun around quickly.

"Sango!" Kagome tried to run to her friend but Inuyasha held her back.

"There's still a demon, damn it all! Don't go right to it!" he stuttered, unable to really yell as his voice came out suspiciously high pitch.

Sango scowled as her embarrassment faded in the face of the danger the bull youkai presented. Crouching low, she hefted Hiraikotsu easily.

"Whoa, whoa, put that down," chuckled the Oushikuso. "I never fight a beautiful woman…I pleasure them."

There was silence as every member of the small party stared at the youkai in shock.

"Huh?" asked Sango, straightening up.

Miroku grinned. "He's not a bad demon! He's got taste!"

Kagome glared at the unrepentant pervert. "Miroku!" she hissed. "This is not a cross-cultural bonding session! He's ogling Sango's chest!" Turning to Inuyasha, she poked him in the back. "Do something!"

"I can't turn around!" Inuyasha shouted in panic. "I'm not looking at Sango naked!"

"You should ignore all these people. They don't appreciate you," Oushikuso informed Sango with a fang filled smile. Leaning suavely against a tree, he struck a seductive pose and leaned close to the incredulous demon slayer. "I happen to know a really nice watering hole not too far from here…it's actually close to my cave. We could go for a drink and then see what happens between us…What do you say?"

Twisting her mouth into a tight smile, Sango mutely shook her head.

"Come on," wheedled the pushy youkai. "I'm a nice demon and I can show you a good time."

"Miroku, do something!" Kagome urged, giving up on the paralyzed Inuyasha.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" the monk asked blankly, his eyes and mind fully engaged by Sango's chest.

"Are you two men her keepers?" Oushikuso announced. "I'll give you three jewel shards for her."

"_What?"_ Kagome shrieked. "You can't buy Sango!"

That drew Miroku out of his daze. "Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed. "Sango is worth at least ten!"

"_What!"_ shrieked Sango.

"No woman is worth ten!" the bull snorted. "She, a beauty beyond compare, is perhaps worth five."

"Ha! Five? Do you not see her perfect breasts, lithe legs and gorgeous face?" Miroku asked rhetorically. "Ten is cheating myself! Never again will you get such a feisty beauty for so little as ten shards!"

"I don't even have ten!"

"We could work out a payment plan…," mused Miroku out loud.

With an enraged hiss, Sango lifted her weapon and cracked both the perverts over the head.

"Ow!" grumbled Oushikuso, pouting as he rubbed his head. "That hurt!"

"Did you see the way her breasts bounced when she hit us?" Miroku asked in a confiding tone. "Ten is far too generous!"

_Wham!_

"I guess you don't like it when men come on too strong, huh?" Oushikuso asked weakly as he stared at Miroku's fallen and still body.

With a withering glare, Sango growled, "Give me your jewel shards."

"I really don't want to," Oushikuso said stubbornly.

"Is it safe to turn around?" Inuyasha called out.

"Yes! Now kill the youkai!" Kagome demanded.

"Give me those shards!" Sango demanded.

"Unless I get something in return, it won't happen without bloodshed," the bull said firmly.  
Suddenly, Sango ripped her shirt down, completely exposing herself to three pairs of widened eyes.

"SHIT!" shouted Inuyasha in a panic. "Cover yourself, goddamn it!"

"Sango!" Kagome exclaimed in shock.

Whistling in appreciation, Oushikuso stared at her for a moment with a smile across his bovine face. Shaking his head in admiration, he tossed the topless girl his three jewel shards. "For getting to see those, I gladly give these to you." About to walk away, he called out, "You got balls, girl. If you ever want a good time, you know where to find me."

Smiling as she pocketed her shards of the Shikon no Tama, Sango stepped on Miroku's lap as she went back to her companions, grinding her foot in.

"You take care of the letch," she ordered Inuyasha. "Kagome and I are going tocatch up withShippou and Kilala."

As soon as the two women had disappeared from the men's view, Kagome turned to her friend. "Well, that was the most interesting way I've ever seen you defeat a demon."

Sango, blushing pink, shrugged her shoulders. "I just felt like it…I wanted to see if he'd actually do give them over and he did."

Kagome was silent for a moment. "And how did it feel?"

"I kind of liked it," Sango admitted with a sheepish grin. "I felt…powerful. Womanly."

"All from flashing someone?"

"Yeah."

"…You knew Miroku was up, didn't you?" Kagome giggled.

Sango snorted. "Of course I did! I know how hard I hit him and it wasn't enough to knock him unconscious. It serves him right that some random guy got to see my half naked and he doesn't!"

"It's so unlike you."

The demon slayer shrugged. "You know what they say, 'bad girls have all the fun.' I decided to take a risk and loved it."

"You are a bad girl Sango," Kagome said admiringly. "A bad, bad girl."

Sango grinned unrepentantly. "I could get used to it too."

As Kagome laughed, Sango wondered what Naraku would do if she tried her new trick on him and smiled.

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A/N: Hope it made you guys liked it. I have to admit, after last chapter's scandalized reception, I was a bit wary of putting this up but decided why not? I just found the idea of a demon hitting on Sango very amusing and everyone's eyes bugging out as she went a la natural even funnier. It's all about the mental image. Oh and Oushikuso means bullshit according to the online Japanese dictionary. I think the smarmy way he was hitting on her pretty much made the name appropriate. I'm not thrilled with how this chapter came out so I might redo it.

Here are some GREAT photos I found online that I thought I should share. Remember to take out the spaces:

http/ gportal.hu/ portal/babeinu /image/ news/Kagome.Inuyasha. jpg -this is Inu and Kag with their kids. Very cute.

http/ kikyouhigurashi. weblogger. index.htm - An adult Shippou picture, very mmm-mmmm! Yummy! Scroll down b/c it's at the end of the page.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! (Not that I'm pushy or anything…)


	7. Hung Up and Hanging Out

A/N: Well, I hope you all like this latest installment. I realized that I have not humiliated the boys yet so I tackled a certain oversensitive hanyou first. I really, really tried to get the imagery across right but am unsure if I did. Let me know if I did.

Read, enjoy and review!

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**Hung Up and Hanging Out**:

The wind raced to catch up.

Inuyasha gloried in his headlong rush through the forest, the very force he moved with pushing his hair behind him a flowing silver cloud. His powerful legs sprung upward and propelled him high into the air, passing huge distances in a single leap. Dexterously avoiding low-hanging branches, his speed only increased as a reckless smile spread across his handsome face.

"Inuyasha!" Kagome called breathlessly from her hiding spot in Inuyasha's neck joint, "Can we slow down?"

"Keh!"

"We're going too fast!" the schoolgirl protested, an edge of panic in her words.

"It's never too fast!" Inuyasha called back, his soul lightened by the sheer glory of pushing all his muscles to their limits.

Kagome let out an undignified squawk as Inuyasha purposefully allowed his freefall to last a little too long.

"That's it! Let me off!" snapped Kagome when the hanyou landed for a second.

"No way! I'd have to stop!" he gleefully yelled.

"We're going to hit something!" she warned.

"No we won't!" scoffed Inuyasha loudly. "I'm always in control!"

"We're going to fall!"

"I never fall!"

To prove his point, he executed a perfect spin in the air and landed on one foot on a tree branch high, high above the ground. "See?" he arrogantly said with a smirk.

"What's that weird noise?" Kagome asked uneasily, looking around at the foliage nervously.

"It's nothing," Inuyasha sighed. _Humans are so easily frightened._

Thus, with this reassurance ringing in their ears, both were surprised when suddenly an angry squirrel jumped onto Kagome's head, chirping furiously and baring its teeth. Shrieking on the top of her lungs, Kagome simultaneously tried to clamber off Inuyasha's back and climb on top of his head.

"Get it off! Get it off!" she cried, waving her arms wildly.

Inuyasha hollered as Kagome's hand covered his eyes by mistake, "Get off me wench and I'll kill it! I can't see, damn it all!"

Stumbling around, the normally agile hanyou yelped as his foot slipped and he and Kagome plunged toward the forest floor. She screamed and Inuyasha growled as he tried to grab the quickly passing branches. A few seconds into the fall, he jerked to a painful stop, Kagome flipping over his back.

"Don't let go!" Kagome yelled hysterically as she clung to his hands, dangling high above the ground, his grip the only thing preventing her from tumbling down to her death.

"You're not going to fall!" he vowed as his two hands grabbed hers. "Just hold on!"

The girl swung silently in the air as she gulped for breath and shuddered. The ground was far too below her to bear contemplation and Kagome looked up at Inuyasha as her fury grew.

"What happened to 'I'm always in control', huh?" she shouted furiously. "What happened to 'I never fall'? Answer me _that_, you baka!"

"If a certain coward hadn't freaked over a damn squirrel, we wouldn't be here right now!" snapped Inuyasha. "Don't piss me off or I may just drop you!"

"Don't you _dare_ take either hand off or I'll- how are you holding onto the branch?" Kagome asked suddenly, realizing that he was holding onto her with both of his hands, leaving what to attach them to the branch?

Inuyasha blinked. "Um…I don't know. I just sort of stopped."

"Why don't you check how you stopped?" Kagome growled finally as Inuyasha just stared at her.

Turning his head as fast as he could, Inuyasha saw that the tie to his hakama pants had snagged on a protruding branch. His blood circulation was getting cut off as the tie around his waist bit into his lower stomach but this pain was dismissed.

"It's okay," he reassured her. "The tie to my pants is holding us up."

Kagome wanted badly to slap Inuyasha upside the head. "Oh is it?" she said a little hysterically. "A long piece of string is what's holding us up? That's it?"

"It's a string made of the gut lining of the fire rat," Inuyasha explained. "It'll never break."

"Fire rat….guts?" For a moment, Kagome thought of the many, many times she had touched the strings on Inuyasha's kimono and shuddered. _I have got to introduce elastic to this era._

"Never break," Inuyasha repeated confidently.

"Could you pull me up then?" she shouted, kicking her feet in anger.

"Keh. What're you all mad about?" grumbled the hanyou. Straining to lift her from his awkward angle, Inuyasha shifted the wrong way and began to fall off the tree. Feeling herself plummet for one awful moment, Kagome breathed a sigh of relief when she felt Inuyasha and herself stop abruptly again.

"Are you okay?" she called out, determinedly looking away from the ground.

"Don't look up!" Inuyasha shouted desperately.

"Shouldn't you be telling me not to look down?" she inanely asked.

"Don't look up!"

Curiosity had always been one of Kagome's main vices and this was one occasion when perhaps caution would have served her better.

"Why not?" Unable to control herself, she glanced upward and got what some may call the best view and some the worst view of her life.

The knot in Inuyasha's hakama pants was still tangled around a sturdy, slim branch but the unfortunate angle had gravity forcing Inuyasha downward with his pants still firmly attached to the branch. Wrapping his knees and feet around the tree limb had prevented Kagome and his falling to their possible deaths but had exposed certain things to the midmorning sunshine.

The schoolgirl shrieked wordlessly as she got a full view of Inuyasha's legs and private areas waving in the breeze, his hakama pants entangled by his knees.

"I slipped out of my pants! It was an accident!" the half demon almost wailed, anticipating the 'sits' this would earn him. "The knot in the guts was still caught on the branch and it stopped us from falling but I fell through!"

"I didn't want to see that!" screeched Kagome. "Put your pants back on!"

"I can't! We'll slip and fall!"

"_Try_!"

"I would but I can't reach without dropping you!" Inuyasha shouted back.

"What I want to know," yelled Kagome furiously with her eyes firmly closed, "is what the hell happened to your god-damned fundoshi?" (A/N: explanation at bottom).

"My area needs to breathe!" Inuyasha explained in a huff.

"Your area needs to be covered!"

"Well excuse me for not realizing that a certain someone would jump on my head, make me fall off a tree, get caught on a branch and show my balls off to the world!" he snapped.

Kagome hissed furiously. "As soon as this whole…thing is over, I'm going to say you-know-what until your back breaks!"

Inuyasha growled back but his retort was cut short by the arrival of their four traveling companions.

"Kagome-chan!" Sango called as she searched on foot for the missing girl. Turning to Kirara, she asked in confusion, "Are you sure you sense they're here?"

The giant neko youkai nodded and plodded over to where Miroku was standing.

"Did you find them?" asked Shippou, scampering over and hopping on the silent monks shoulder.

"What? Hmm…yes. I found them..," Miroku replied distractedly. Sango ran over, looked up into the trees and promptly gasped, turning quite red.

"Close your eyes, you lech!" yelled Kagome as she tried to close her legs and block the view Miroku was enjoying.

"Yeah! Don't you dare look!" Inuyasha added angrily.

"At you? Not a chance," Miroku said genially. "The lovely lady Kagome and her intriguing undergarments on the other hand…"

"Sango! Do something!" pleaded the embarrassed schoolgirl.

"I can't!" the demon slayer said in distress. "Inuyasha is completely indecent!"

"I slipped out of my pants!" the hanyou repeated loudly. "It wasn't on purpose!"

"I'm going to have to try that one," Miroku said in admiration. "Who would have thought you were so sly, Inuyasha? 'I fell out of them.' Genius!"

"I'll kill you, monk! I swear!"

"Stop looking!" Kagome demanded as Miroku peered intensely at the view she was giving him.

"I do apologize but my head and eyes have frozen in one place," Miroku said with a grin. "How was that one Inuyasha?" he joked.

"I hate you and I have no idea why I haven't killed you before now!" the exposed half demon snarled.

"Sango! Hit him!" Kagome shouted.

"I can't! Inuyasha is not covered!" the demon slayer insisted.

Kagome looked up at an enraged Inuyasha and hissed, "This is your fault!"

"Bite me!" the hanyou retorted.

Miroku whistled. "Perhaps those of us on the ground should leave…?"

"_I'm_ going to kill you when I get down," Kagome promised darkly and Miroku blanched at the honest threat in her eyes.

The atmosphere between the four adults was extremely tense once Kirara had rescued the pair and Inuyasha and Kagome were again on the ground. Shippou looked between the blushing girls, the miserably humiliated Inuyasha (with the knot to his pants tied twice as hard as usual) and the discreetly leering Miroku.

"Well one good thing came out of this," the fox youkai announced optimistically. Five pairs of eyes swung toward him, each questioning his mental stability for seeing something positive in the situation. "Now we know Inuyasha was being honest when he told Kouga he wasn't competition."

Choked gasps escaped from Miroku and the girls as they stared the tiny youkai who was obviously less innocent then they had thought. Inuyasha, on the other hand, nodded slowly and a grin broke out on his face.

"Yeah," he said slowly. "It was a shame that wolf shit wasn't here."

"Inuyasha?" Kagome said sweetly, stalking close to the smirking half demon.

Quickly Inuyasha placed a hand over Kagome's mouth. "I said it wasn't my fault!" he insisted again. "Say that word and I'll-"

He truly should have known better.

In an unexpected move, Kagome punched her knee into Inuyasha's balls. His eyes widened and his breath whistled out in a high pitch whine. Slowly he toppled to the floor at a sinisterly pleased Kagome's feet, gagging in pain. She glared at Miroku and Shippou who both automatically covered their vulnerable areas in an instinctual maneuver and shuffled away from her.  
Spinning around, Kagome marched past the three males and mounted Kirara. "Coming Sango?" she asked curtly.

Blinking at this newly revealed ferocious Kagome, the demon slayer nodded once. "Nice form on the kick," she complimented her friend as she climbed up behind her.

"Thank you," said Kagome pleasantly.

"I don't get females…," Shippou murmured as Kirara took off.

"Who does?" whispered back Miroku, still not taking his hands away from his crotch.

They looked at the fallen Inuyasha, still whimpering on the floor and shuddered simultaneously.

Women were not creatures to be trifled with. Even if you had seen their panties.

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A/N: Hehe! I don't know why but I can see this happening, Inuyasha mooning and flashing the world and hollering like a three year old with an earache about it. I just found this whole idea terribly amusing and will probably have Inuyasha embarrassed in one way or another at least once more.

A fundoshi is Japanese male undergarment that's was worn in Inuyasha's time but isn't nowadays. You know what a sumo wrestler wears? That loincloth? That's a fundoshi.

Review please!


	8. Clothes Snob

A/N: Hey everyone! Hope you all like this! Enjoy the Naraku WM! It's not techinically a wardrobe malfunction but I think still fits in with the theme. Read and review please!

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**Clothes Snob:**

Kagura massaged her temples and tried to remain calm. _I am the wind. Even in the presence of total stupidity, I am above it. _

"Kagura! I asked you a question," growled Naraku.

"I don't understand why you're asking. They all look alike,"she snapped in reply.

Naraku leaned back, affronted and exasperated. "That's ridiculous," he said. "This pelt obviously has more split ends."

_Stay calm. Don't lose it. _Her red eyes narrowing, Kagura released her breath slowly. "I never really paid that extreme attention to my clothes."

"Well that's rather obvious," sniffed Naraku.

Kagura balled her hands into fists. _You bastard…!_

The powerful and evil hanyou heaved a sigh as he rummaged through his closet. "Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong with you, wind witch," he said. "What made you think you could pull off a purple and white striped kimono that's usually missing an arm with a navy blue or red nagajuban showing and tying it with a bright yellow sash," he shuddered as he glanced at her clothes, "and then put your hair into a messy bun, topping the whole ensemble off with…feathers." He shook his head in weary disbelieve. "Feathers. Honestly…"

Kagura tried to unclench her fists which were trying to rise and wrap around her creator's neck and squeeze tightly. "I like my clothing. They're to my taste."

"A corpse wouldn't wear what you do," he said bluntly.

"Well, you wear fur all year round!" Kagura shouted angrily, losing her patience.

"Fur is always fabulous, whatever the season."

"Sorry but using a dead animal's skull as an accessory is tasteless."

"It's avant-garde," Naraku said sagaciously.

"It's ridiculous looking," she retorted.

Naraku glared. "I look amazing. Do not question my authority in this, Kagura."

The crimson eyed demoness shook her head. There would be no arguing with the arrogant prima donna. "Whatever. Just tell me what you want me to do."

Willing to drop the topic, Naraku nodded. "I need a new fall fur. Go get me one."

The wind sorceress stared at the closet full of ape furs and turned to stare at her creator. "You've got to be kidding."

"What?" the evil genius asked in honest confusion.

"You've got about a hundred ape skins in here!"

"None of them are good for now!"

"Aren't you supposed to be off doing something evil, like eating children or killing something?" Kagura grumbled. "Go do something scary. Leave me alone."

"I will," Naraku growled, "but first I need a new set of clothes! Have I ever gone outside and not looked my best? No," he answered himself without waiting for Kagura's reply, "and that's why I'm so scary. I always look perfect - regular humans are afraid of beautiful people like me."

"And here I was thinking it was the obvious lack of a conscience or perhaps your ruthless behavior…"

"Don't be ridiculous," scoffed Naraku, "it's my obvious good looks. Does anyone have a steadier hand with eyeliner in this entire region? No."

"I can't take much more of this…"

"Why are you finding this so hard to do anyways?" Narkau asked in annoyance.

"Because all your furs look alike," Kagura explained once again. "That means even if I get you a new ape skin, it'll be bad for this season as well."  
Naraku glared, his eyes turning into slits in his growing fury. "Are you trying to tell me how to dress?"

_Oh, spare me from the histrionics of the __narcissistic_ _and __power hungry,_ Kagura mentally groaned_. I don't have the patience for this crap!_

"I would never accept advice from you," Naraku continued. "If you had a mother I'd know where to blame all your bad taste but as you don't, I'm at a loss to explain it."

"Fine," Kagura shouted as she ripped the feather from her hair, "I'm going! Alright? Happy now? I'm going to go kill yet another ape youkai so you can have an identical fur. I hope you're satisfied."

"Don't you use that snippy tone with me! I made you and I can unmake you!" threatened Naraku.

"No?" drawled the wind demon sarcastically from on top of her feathered transportation. "I had no idea you control my life. You've never told me," she deadpanned.

With that parting shot, she rose into the upper air currents and floated quickly toward the hideout of Naraku's favorite baboon.

Watching her speed off, the most feared youkai in all of Japan shuddered again. "Feathers. It's just too tacky."

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A/N: hehe! I found this very funny, especially the parent/teenager overtones. I'm doing another one but this one is between Sesshomaru and Naraku and the one thing they have in common. There's a hint to it in this chapter but I'll leave it to you to figure out….

Oh and the "nagajuban" is the under kimono. For a full explanation of the confusing world of traditional kimonos, here's the website I used: http/ www. japan- zone. com /culture /kimono. shtml


	9. You're Either In or Out

A/N: Excuses at the end of the chapter. It's a doozy. Forewarned is forearmed.

This chapter is not what I planned but it took its own direction and I ended up really liking how it turned out. The_ italics_ are someone thinking. You'll figure it out. You are all smart individuals. Enjoy the odd coupling everyone!

(oh, and the title is because Project Runway kicks ass.)

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**You're Either In or You're Out:**

_We weren't expecting anything really…_

_I mean, he smelled Something Strange and off we ran. _

_It was just business as usual._

The great Lord of the West settled onto the ground, his cloud dissipating and fading into the forest mist. Once again he questioned his own uncharacteristic foolishness. What drove him here, to fight such an unworthy adversary?

_It is the emotion of anticipation, _he decided as he waited patiently._ I am anticipating what strangeness will evolve this time we meet. Mere anticipation._

"Have you waited long, my Lord Sesshomaru?" a silky, cold drawl emerged from the fog. Naraku glided forward, his usual ape fur draped over his body.

Sesshomaru pushed his hair out of his eyes, the long, silver strands that never tangled whipping around in the breeze. "Are you prepared to die?" he asked his enemy in his customary cold voice.

Naraku chuckled. "Die? Your arrogance will be your downfall, Sesshomaru."

Gold eyes narrowed at this mockery. Without a further word, the Lord of the Western region raised his hand, poison dripping off his sharp claws. "You challenged me foolishly when you sent that pitiful beetle youkai to kill me. Something that weak is an insult to this Lord Sesshomaru. For this I will slay you," he pronounced frostily.

Naraku smirked, his eyes bleeding red. "I? I challenged no one. I simply sent my opinion of you. I don't need to challenge you."

Hefting the demon sword Tokijin easily, the dog youkai stared at his nemesis, not saying a word.

"Do you not believe me?" Naraku ducked his head and chuckled darkly. "It's true!" His laughter died as suddenly as it began. "Do you deny me?" he hissed, his aura pulsating.

Sesshomaru sheathed Tokijin as the sword reverberated with sympathetic pangs to evil near it. _So it was ultimately a useless sword... It would snap under the pressure. This battle will be too ferocious for it…_"I will show you truth," the Lord of the West said finally. Standing straight and tall, he was a personification of elegance.

"That remains to be seen," hissed Naraku. "You with your ridiculous clothing and arrogant attitude…I will defeat you with pleasure."

Sesshomaru froze, his motionless body going impossibly more still. "Ridiculous clothing?" he hissed, his face deforming in rising fury.

"Yellow does nothing for you, my lord," Naraku said snidely. "Notice my own subtle and monochromatic ensemble? Simplicity is always best."

"This Sesshomaru looks unsightly in no colors," the gravely insulted demon growled.

"I beg to differ…" the evil hanyou smirked.

_The time for battle is now_, Sesshomaru thought as his nemesis's purple eyes flashed in arrogance.

_When we came to the field, we didn't know _

_what we were looking at. It took a minute to realize _

_what they were doing…_

Sesshomaru sniffed in the direction of Naraku's ape robe. "Monochromatic? Strange I see many yellows and graying white strands in your…white fur," he sniffed derogatorily. "Perhaps, as you are only a half-breed, you cannot see the imperfections?"

Naraku's eyes narrowed. "Is that so, oh Lord of the Western Lands?" He glanced at Mokomoto-sama. "I believe some retaliatory examination is in order…"

"Do not attempt that."

"You cannot stop me!" Naraku gloated with his typically nasal chuckle and grabbed the end of the luxurious fur.

"Get off my boa," Sesshomaru stated with a glare.

"I think not," Naraku sneered. Lifting a tentacle he wrapped it around the gleaming fur and tugged.

It budged not an inch.

"Mokomoto-sama shall not go into filthy hands like yours," Sesshomaru said, his anger growing at the dishonor being brought to his precious fur.

Naraku smiled a venomous grin and suddenly yanked hard at the supple fur, unaware that Mokomoto-sama was attached to Sesshomaru's shoulder. The purebred demon lord pulled in the other direction, causing a taunt line of fur between the two enemies.

_I remember when he told us who we were_

_going to battle, I wondered what would come of _

_this od meeting but then...then I saw That. _

_After that it all gets a little confusing…_

Whether it was the stone under his foot, the weight of another fully grown demon or the will of gods, Naraku fell backwards onto the ground and, propelled by gravity and inertia, Sesshomaru was thrown on top of Naraku.

Mokomoto-sama was tangled around the purple eyed devil's hands and Sesshomaru and Naraku were stuck intertwined, arms around the other. Trying to separate only tangled them more and clothing got disheveled as the pair hissed at each other, barely a handbreadth between them.

"_WHAT THE HELL?"_

Naraku and Sesshomaru stopped moving abruptly, suddenly aware of how bad this situation looked.

"My brother is gay," Inuyasha said weakly. Around him, the members of his traveling band of crusaders for Justice and Peace were staring, mouths agape.

"This is not what it appears to be," Sesshomaru said stonily after a moment of shocked silence had gone by.

_They were gay. _

_Naraku and Sesshomaru were gay lovers. _

_None of us expected it but there they were- tangled around each other with half of their clothing gone. _

"Sesshomaru is having a gay love affair with Naraku!" Kagome said, hands clasped in front of her. "Do you think they've been in love long?"

"How brazen," murmured Sango to Miroku. "I know that some men see more honor in those types of relationships but during the day?"

Miroku shrugged and covered Shippou's eyes.

"His Mokomoto-sama is tangled around me," snarled Naraku impotently. "That is all."

"What an odd name for your manhood," mused Miroku, giving Sesshomaru a confused stare. "Each to his own, I suppose…"

"It is my boa," hissed Sesshomaru.

Miroku snickered helplessly.

"My brother and my arch-nemesis are gay and we interrupted them in the middle of sex…" Inuyasha said stupidly, his face becoming green.

"I think it's wonderful that two people have found each other and are willing to show their love so openly!" the modern Kagome said in staunch support.

"We're not gay!" Sesshomaru and Naraku shouted.

_How were we supposed to know? _

_Besides the fact that they're both immaculate dressers with_

_a great hand at eyeliner who maintain fantastic but _

_hard-to-manage hairstyles in Feudal Japan…well, maybe we should have seen it coming..._

"No need to deny it!" Kagome said supportively. "A lot of guys are gay. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter who loves who."

"This is absurd," growled Sesshomaru and with a mighty heave he tore himself away from Naraku's prone body.

Automatically everyone's eyes went to Naraku lying on the ground with his pants ripped half off and shirt askew.

"Kind of impatient, wasn't he?" Miroku mused to the others after a moment.

"I wonder who would have ended on the bottom?" mused Sango.

"I don't want to hear that!" wailed Inuyasha, his hands covering his ears in a true sign of panic. "Sesshomaru and Naraku are having gay sex in the middle of the morning!"

"Why shouldn't they?" demanded Kagome. "Your brother has a right to love whoever he wants!"

"I am not-" Sesshomaru started.

"You are completely-" Naraku hissed uselessly.

"Not another man!" shouted Inuyasha to her, ignoring his brother and enemy. "And couldn't they have gone somewhere more private? Have sex in your castle!" he shouted at his sibling. "I don't want to see you banging Naraku!"

"I AM NOT-!" Sesshomaru roared but was once again cut off.

"Oh please, like love cares about the right place or time," scoffed his girlfriend. "If the lust between them became too much to withstand, why not outside?"

"_Lust?"_ Naraku gasped in true horror.

Shippou nodded sagaciously as he pulled away from Miroku. "Love is love, right Kagome?"

"Exactly Shippou. How nice to see that not everyone," this directed with a pointed glare at her apparently homophobic companion, "is so close minded."

"Don't get me wrong, it's weird but in the end it's just not my business who Naraku is sleeping with," Shippou continued.

Kagome stared at her tiny charge and then sighed. "I suppose that's better then nothing."

"Do you think he ever thought of me that way?" Inuyasha asked Miroku nervously. "These ears seem to attract a lot of attention."

"You?" Miroku shook his head wearily. "It would be me he would want, not you my coarse friend. My good looks, charm and shining hair would be too much for him to resist. Besides," he added practically, "if not your brother, then Naraku wanted me. I do have purple eyes and you know how he likes purple."

"I'm safe!" crowed Inuyasha in relief.

"I am going to enjoy killing all of you. Slowly," the fearsome Lord of the West promised forebodingly.

Taking a step, Sesshomaru felt a brush of fresh air in an area that usually wasn't exposed to the breeze and looked down to see his hakama drop fully onto the earth as the tie gave way.

"Don't make death threats when you should be pulling up your pants!" snapped Inuyasha, waving Tesseuiga. "Cover yourself, you gay exhibitionist!"

"This is beyond enduring," Sesshomaru growled as he yanked his voluminous balloon pants to normal.

"I agree," Narkau hissed as his corpse-like visage flushed pink in embarrassment. "I shall kill the hanyou and the demon slayer. You take care of the rest."

"I do not take orders from a detestable mongrel such as you," Sesshomaru said angrily. "The hanyou is my brother so I shall kill him. You may kill the others. They are not worth this Sesshomaru's time."

"Hey!" the ignored four members protested.

"I take orders from no one," Naraku purred dangerously.

Kagome tsked. "If we hadn't bothered them, they wouldn't be arguing right now. I feel awful."

"Let 'em argue," snorted Inuyasha. "Maybe they'll kill each other."

"We ruined their romantic moment!" Kagome protested angrily. "We should at least cook them a candlelight dinner so the atmosphere can be reestablished."

"Bitch, have you _lost_ your mind?" snapped Inuyasha. "Not fuckin' happening."

A sudden wind blew and standing in the clearing was a furious Kagura. "You!" she shouted, pointing at Sesshoamru. "I heard the whole thing! Tricky bastard!"

"Finally someone agrees with me," mumbled Inuyasha.

Teeth clenched in irritation, the powerful demon said, "This Sesshomaru is not interested in your hysterics."

"Your lover is Naraku!" spat out Kagura. "My enemy!"

"We are not lovers," chorused the two demons.

"When I asked you to fight him, I didn't mean as foreplay!" Kagura hissed in frustration.

"Oh, I just can't take more of this," groaned Inuyasha, the mental picture he thought up making him sick.

"Were they a love triangle?" murmured Miroku to Sango as they watched the byplay.

"It looks like that way," she replied in a scandalized tone.

"Apparently problems in love affect both brothers," the monk whispered with a grin.

"Shut up!" Inuyasha shouted desperately as Kagome's eyes turned mean with the reference to Kikyou.

Naraku glared and ominously raised his hands.

"Silence before I rip out your tongue from your living body," said Sesshomaru calmly.

"I despise you Naraku and I swear that one day I will find someone who will slay you for me!" snarled Kagura as she escaped her masters wrath on her feather.

Naraku sighed and shook his head. "Vassals..." he muttered.

"At least she can be useful. Mine is just a waste of air and his only use is as a decoy," commiserated Sesshomaru.

The two stopped and looked at each other, the ineptitude of servants forging a weak bond of camaraderie.

"Great," Inuyasha mumbled, "now they're staring into each other's eyes. I just can't look at this…"

The two stronger demons glared at the group of interlopers.

Sesshomaru drew Toukijin and glanced at Naraku. "I no longer care who kills whom. Let us just slay them all."

"Agreed," Naraku said with a gleeful smile.

_The rest of the day was spent more usually, running from our enemies, almost dying and what not. We managed to escape with surprisingly few injuries. To be honest, it was kind of like the two of them weren't even really paying attention to us. _

_And that was it. _

_The last we saw of Naraku was as he tried to kill us alongside Sesshomaru._

----500 years and 2 weeks in the future-------

"Wench, why are you still writing in that thing?" Inuyasha asked in irritation.

Kagome looked up from the journal she had started and glared up at the impatient boy. "I write because I want to. Any questions?"

He looked at her deadly eyes and shook his head quickly. "Nope."

"Smart."  
But his endless energy couldn't be contained by a glare, no matter how potent the stare. "Kagome!" whined the hanyou. "I'm bored! Can't we go do something?"

"Go play with Buyou."

"He's too fat to chase," complained Inuyasha. "I want to do_ anything_."

"Fine," muttered Kagome. "We'll take a walk okay?"

Inuyasha sprang to the window with glee.

"The door!" she shouted. "For once, can we use the door?"

-------------

As the pair wandered around Tokyo, Kagome let her feet move where they would, uncaring of their destination. Inuyasha meandered alongside, growling threateningly at buses that came too close to the curb and pedestrians who almost touched him.

"Let's go to the supermarket," Kagome finally suggested as Inuyasha's irritation with the slow pace became more and more obvious.

"Something's wrong…," he mumbled in reply. "I don't know what it is but something is wrong."  
Kagome looked around warily. "I don't sense anything."

"If it weren't so god damned crowded, I'd be able to sense it," Inuyasha snarled. "I keep thinking it's someone impossible and I know it's not but _I just can't tell_!"

"Calm down," Kagome said soothingly. "You aren't making any sense."

"No!" hissed Inuyasha, sniffing the air as he tried to separate the various scents and odors on the wind. "It's important!"

"Inuyasha…" Kagome whispered. "You're making a scene."

"Could it be?" he wondered as if to himself. "What would...no, it's not. Almost but not…_god damn it, where's it coming from_?"

Inuyasha almost sprinted down the street, holding Kagome's hand tightly as he rushed through Tokyo, chasing the elusive scent that tormented him.

"Slow down!" Kagome shouted at her companion. "Sorry! Excuse us! We're in a- oh my god, are you alright?" she asked anxiously as Inuyasha plowed right past a woman with packages, knocking them to the ground. Kagome whipped her head around and hissed as the furious lady was left behind, "If you don't slow down, I'm going to say That Word enough times to break your spine!"

"Better listen to her mutt," a familiar voice mocked. "She's holding your leash."

Kagome could feel the rest of the world fade away as Naraku slid into view. _Oh god…! Oh god oh god oh god!_

"Looking for someone?" A perfectly manicured claw tipped hand twirled a can in the air.

"I knew I smelled you!" spat out Inuyasha as Sesshomaru came up alongside Naraku.

The purple eyed demon glanced over and looked at the barely restrained violence in the swing of the cane. "Remember, no fighting in public darling."

Kagome and Inuyasha froze.

"Did you just call him 'darling'?" Inuyasha asked in horror.

"Well of course. Don't you think we're a perfect pair?"

Naraku smiled venomously as Kagome and Inuyasha stared at the 'perfect pair' in astounded silence.

Dressed in low slung black leather pants and a deep purple vest, Naraku cocked a hip and twirled his white fur jacket with a hand. Sesshomaru was still glowering at Inuyasha but tossed his long white hair over one elegantly clad shoulder as Naraku patted him on Mokomoto-sama, still on his shoulder. Perfect grey slacks and a crisp button down white shirt looked effortlessly hip on Sesshomaru, the pants a bit too tight for usual and the shirt unbuttoned to showcase his chest. A cane was held in one indolent hand, its hidden use as a sword unknown to the two teenagers.

"You look ridiculous," Inuyasha bluntly said.

"You look fabulous!" Kagome disagreed in awe. "So chic!"

Naraku's eyes wandered in an up-and-down glance. "Don't try to copy us," he said snidely. "You can't pull off this look, mongrel."

"I suppose we should thank them instead of killing them. If it weren't for these two, we might never have gotten together."

"Over 450 happy years," smiled Naraku and he leaned over to gently buss Sesshomaru's cheek.

"You better remember our anniversary this year," the older demon warned, oblivious to the stares he was generating from the other couple.

"Hold on! What are you two doing here, in this time?" Kagome asked apprehensively. "How did you get here?"

For a moment surprise ran across their cold, beautiful faces. "We live here," Naraku said as if it were obvious.

"What are you going to do?" Inuyasha asked quietly. He was calm and ready to accept any challenges the pair threw at him.

"Go to work."

Inuyasha and Kagome stared blankly. "What?" she asked finally.

"Work. You know, earn money so I can buy fabulous things for my darling here," Naraku purred, running a hand down Sesshomaru's back to end with a familiar pat on his shapely ass.

"Okay, do not do that," Inuyasha said, feeling nausea move his stomach in circles. "It's weird."

"I'm asking again, how did you get here?" Kagome demanded, throwing Inuyasha a glare.

"We've lived in Tokyo since about 250 years ago," Sesshomaru responded in almost imperceptible amusement.

Naraku glanced a diamond encrusted watch on his wrist. "We're going to be late for our appointment," he reminded his companion.

"Her hair is always a bitch to do," sighed Sesshomaru.

Inuyasha stared. "Hair?"

"I'm one of the top hairdresser's in Japan," Sesshomaru said in a blasé tone. "Naraku here is my makeup counterpart."  
Naraku nodded. "Once we realized that we needed something to do, we decided to stick with our strengths. I always did have a flair for eyeliner and Sessy-chan is a wizard with a scissor and blow-dryer."

Inuyasha stayed silent, mouth agape and eyes shocked.

_Sessy-chan? _

Abruptly, he turned to Kagome. "I need sake. A lot of sake." With that, he turned and walked off in a daze.

Kagome smiled nervously at the odd duo and dashed off following her freaked out friend, calling for him to wait around.

"See you kids around!" a mocking call echoed.

Sesshomaru shot an amused glance at Naraku. "You truly do have an evil sense of humor."

Naraku smiled a sharp toothed grin at his golden eyed lover as the other couple disappeared from view. "I know. They'll be so paranoid for weeks just imagining what we might cook up for them."

The two demons linked arms and sashayed down the street, fabulous by nature.

Naraku looked up, his eyes gleaming. "You know your brother wasn't so supportive."

"Shocking," Sesshomaru dryly replied. "And here I thought he was an open minded individual."

"Perhaps we should prove our love to your homophobic little brother. Maybe make a tape of…proof and send it to him?" the dark eyed demon asked mischievously.

An abnormally gleeful smile broke out on Sesshomaru's face. "Sometimes, you astound me with your brilliance."

"I know. In case you haven't realized, messing with people's heads is my specialty."

"Really? I had no idea."

The lovers walked to their appointment in perfect contentment.

"So," Naraku asked later, "do you think they'll ever figure out that we're the ones who put that cat into the wellhouse?"

Sesshomaru almost rolled his eyes. "Do they seem that perceptive to you?"

The dark haired man chuckled. "How horrified they would be if they knew we engineered the whole thing in order to meet."

"Well, fate had to find a way to get us together," Sesshomaru commented. "Love cannot be denied."

"True. One day they might just thank us for all that's happened," Naraku merrily replied.

But his lover knew him best. He could see the bloodlust rising inNaraku's cold veins.

Sesshomaru looked down tenderly at his beloved and stroked his dark hair. "I promise you that one day we'll kill him. Slowly."

Naraku sighed rapturously. "Sessy-chan, you know you always spin my head when you say things like that."

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A/N: Hi everyone! It's an insane time right now in my life so I'm sorry for not updating as quickly as I could. Not only am I a poor, beleaguered college senior who has to try to finish three 100 page reports on obscure fiscal minutia (those details are stuff that companies won't release to the public. Did I mention that?), I also just finished surviving a 40 people Passover in my house (that's over a week. Oh, and 15 of those 40 were under 12. I accept all sympathy eagerly). Ah yes! My little brother's bar mitzvah also just past and that alone was a nightmare.

But I finished this chapter irregardless of scholastic deadlines and personal hells! Give me praise! I demand sacrifices! Do you hear that? That's my evil laughter resounding in your ear!

Review please?


	10. Payback is a Bitch

A/N: Okay, this may be one of my favorite things I've ever written. The mental imagery had me cracking up. This is a sequel of sorts to 'Proof of God', an earlier chapter. I suggest you reread it so you can get the full effect of this chapter. Hope you enjoy!

Warning: foul language contained within

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha

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**Payback is a bitch: **

"I'll kill him. I'll kill him and then go back to the afterlife, drag his ass back to this world and then kill him again!"

"That isn't helping!" Miroku said angrily to his pissed off companion as his purple eyes desperately searched the hot spring bank.

Inuyasha whirled and pointed an accusing finger at the monk. "This is your fault! You couldn't leave things alone. I should kill you _and_ Shippou!"

"Shut up and help me find our clothing!" Miroku snapped.

"God damn it, I should have known better than to not tell them it was your stupid idea," snarled Inuyasha as he thrashed around the hot spring. "Where the fuck is my hakama!"

"The same damn place my robes went!"

The two men struggled around the small water hole, looking for a sign or a hint of where their recalcitrant clothes had gone.

"How did Shippou get our stuff?" Inuyasha asked furiously as he peered into the bushes. "I'm a half-demon and you're a powerful monk! How could one stupid kit steal our god damned clothes without us knowing?"

Miroku shook his head, droplets of water flying off black strands of wet hair. "He's a kitsune. Any other demon wouldn't have been able to trick us but kitsune are the best of their kind."

Inuyasha nervously pushed his claws through his hair. "We can't stay in here forever," he mumbled. Growing frantic, he turned to Miroku again. "We have to get out soon! I know all this hot water is bad for us."

"It's not like we'll melt."

"We'll shrivel."

"Shrivel? Shrivel whe-oh for the love of the gods! We are not going to shrivel."

Inuyasha insisted, "I've heard it happens to some holy men when they go into a trance in water. And that's why it's so easy for them to ignore temptations of the flesh."

"Trances like that last a lot longer than we've been in here."

"I'd rather not take any chances."  
"True, true," acknowledged Miroku reluctantly.

"_Shippou!"_ Inuyasha roared. "Get your scrawny ass out here and I'll make your death almost painless!"

The monk rolled his eyes. "That was just a shining example of gentle persuasion. I should have written it down for future generations."

Inuyasha shot Miroku a rude hand gesture. "Keh."

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"They've been looking for over two hours now," Kagome said anxiously, "and they still haven't told us yet. How stubborn can they be?"

"Apparently, very stubborn," Sango sighed. "I'm getting impatient here."

"Where did Shippou go anyway?" the maternal Kagome wondered for the hundredth time. "If something tries to eat him now, there's simply no way that Inuyasha will help him."

The demon slayer shot Kagome an affronted look. "I'm here!"

"I know! But Inuyasha always helps Shippou. What if this trick ruined the dynamic of their relationship?"

"What dynamic? That they live to torment each other?"

Kagome sighed and rose to her feet. "Let's just force the next stage already. It's obvious they're not going to admit it to us."

Sango nodded and followed the modern girl to near the hot spring.

"Guys!" Kagome called out when they were just outside the rim of bushes around the spring. "What is taking so long? You're usually done in fifteen minutes."

"As if you two didn't know!" Inuyasha replied loudly, real anger in his voice. "What Miroku and Shippou did has nothing to do with me so give me back my clothing!"

Kagome winced. "He figured it out," she whispered to Sango.

"_Fuck yes I figured it out!_!" Inuyasha raged on the top of his lungs. "How _fuckin'_ stupid do you think I am? Give me back my _fuckin'_ clothing so I can get the _fuck_ dressed and not become a _fuckin'_ eunuch!"

Neither female understood how one thing related to the other but with the level of fury in the half demons voice, no questions were asked.

"Ladies, the joke is on us but now is the time to give us our things so we can continue the search for Naraku and the Jewel shards," Miroku said calmly. "Do we have time to waste with silly revenge?"

"Yes," muttered Sango as she recalled her humiliation from the other day.

"It had to be done. It was completely disrespectful what you did to Sango," Kagome reprimanded.

"I had nothing to do with it! Blame the monk and the brat."

"I'm cursed!" Miroku defended himself uselessly.

"Monk, shutting up would be smart right now!" Sango hissed.

"Yes o' loveliest flower, glorious cherry blossom of spring, my-"

Inuyasha slammed a fist into his friend's shoulder before he could get them into more trouble. "Where's my clothing?" he asked impatiently. "Give me my stuff."

There came some throat clearing and the sound of shuffling feet. "To be totally honest," Kagome began hesitantly, "Shippou was supposed to drop them off about two and a half hours ago. He hasn't shown up so…we don't have your clothing."

A horrified silence screamed from the hot springs.

"What?" Inuyasha asked tersely. "Tell me you're joking."

"We don't have your robes or hakama or anything," Sango admitted.

"We are so sorry!"

"Then find Shippou!" Miroku said tersely, beginning to get mad.

"We tried. He's nowhere to be seen."

"I have an idea though. Hold on and I'll be right back," Kagome said as she trotted back to their campgrounds.

Inuyasha growled and swung himself out of the hot spring, ignoring the horrified Miroku's pleas to cover himself. "What the hell am I supposed to wear? Leaves? Moss?"

"How about this?"

At Inuyasha's feet landed two white and green bundles of clothing. He took a wary step back. "Kagome," he called out. "Tell me these are not what I think they are."

"I have two extra sets for emergencies and this kind of qualifies…"

"What is it?" Miroku asked as he also emerged from the hot spring. As his head pounded with the sudden temperature change, he looked down at the clothes and squinted. "I could swear this looks like…"

"It is," Inuyasha said in a soft and horrified voice.

Miroku shook his head instantly. "No, no, no and no. As the gods above and spirits around us testify- no."

"We don't have your clothes and we have to find Shippou," Kagome argued.

"It's indecent what you wear! This wouldn't even cover my ass!"

"No."

Sango heaved a sigh. "We're so sorry for losing your clothes but we have to find Shippou. He's been missing for hours and this is an area infested with demons. Honestly, I'm a little worried…"

Unseen by the two girls, Miroku and Inuyasha exchanged helpless looks.

Each thought of bright green eyes and a mischievous smile. A lonely little boy who loved pranks and his friends.

"I say we let him get eaten," Inuyasha shrugged. "Better than wearing _that_."

"Don't make me say it!" Kagome yelled from behind the screening bushes. "Put on the uniforms and let's go find Shippou. Now."

Miroku sighed and reached for a skirt. "The sooner we find Shippou, the sooner we find our clothing."

"God damn it, the brat'll pay for this through his damn nose," Inuyasha hissed as he also grabbed a green and white sailor costume.

"This thing is tiny," grumbled the monk. "And I know I look terrible in this skirt…pleats do nothing for me."

Inuyasha closed his eyes in pain. "Shut up. Please shut up."

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"I can't do this."  
"We have to. We cannot stand here and allow danger to come to one of our companions."  
"Yes we can. I don't even like the little monster. To hell with him!"

"Inuyasha, let's just go."

"I cannot believe we're in these things…"

"I know," Miroku grimaced. "I feel naked."

"What is with the long sleeves but nothing on the bottom?" Inuyasha asked rhetorically as he tried to steel himself for leaving the protective covering of the shrubbery. "Did they run out of fabric?"

"Let's go Inuyasha. Stop stalling."

"I think we should wait."  
"No," Miroku said impatiently. "We were dressed, or as dressed as you can be in this…outfit, over thirty minutes ago. It's time."  
Nodding, Inuyasha took a breath, readjusted his sailor top and Tessuiga and exited with Miroku.

_Snap!_

A blinding flash of light shot at them and both warriors immediately reached for their weapons.

"Where is it?" Inuyasha shouted as he scanned the trees. A deep sniff revealed nothing amiss and the ramifications of that frightened him.

"I don't sense any evil auras!" Miroku replied as he stretched his spiritual powers to the limits. "Nothing at all!"

Sango giggled.

Both men straightened and tried to look as masculine as possible. Their deflation as they took in the fact that neither female was looking at them would have been amusing if someone had seen it.

"What are they doing?" Miroku asked the hanyou. "I have a bad feeling…very ominous."

Inuyasha shrugged mutely. "My ass is cold in this skirt," he mumbled. "And I feel like I'm showing myself to the world."

"I know," commiserated Miroku.

_Snap!_  
"What the hell?" Miroku asked nervously. "Where is it coming from?"

"Get back behind the bushes!" Inuyasha called out as he saw the shape of a small silver box in Kagome's hand. Dragging his friend, Inuyasha rushed to save their remaining modesty and dignity as much as possible.

"Wha-? What's going on?"

The two girls giggled again and Inuyasha groaned in misery.

"Kagome," Sango said with a thrilled smile as she looked at the digital camera screen of Inuyasha and Miroku covering their privates as they fumed in sailor suits, "your era is a wonderful time."

Kagome chuckled evilly. "I know."

Miroku and Inuyasha huddled behind a bush and stared at each other in shocked horror.

"Were we just…tricked?" the houshi asked in horror.

"Yeah and I'm pissed!" growled Inuyasha in fury. "I look like a freak in this thing."

"You and I both," Miroku said bitterly. It was one thing to be tested by the gods but being tricked into the confining and embarrassing robe was too much.

"I'll rip that damn silvery thing to shreds!" Inuyasha threatened to the girls.

"Try. It takes about ten pictures a second. You'd never be able to break it enough," Kagome lied easily. What the hanyou knew about digital cameras could be balanced on the head of a pin and Kagome took full advantage. "Whenever you break it, two more emerge."

Trapped, the look the two boys sent each other plainly read, completely helpless in the presence of modern technology.

"We're going to go look for Shippou now," Sango called out gleefully. "You boys hide there and think about what you did! And remember, we can make copies of these portraits! You better behave or else!"

"I didn't do jackshit!" Inuyasha shouted as the two females sauntered off. "Nothing!"

He hung his head in misery. "This is a nightmare."

"It's not so bad," Miroku tried to be cheerful. "We can't sit or anything but standing isn't so hard."

"Every bug in the god damn world is going to be able to bite my balls now. They aren't covered and any bush or branch is going to hit me in my-"

"Shit!" cursed Miroku as he protectively cupped himself. "You're right!"

"Fuck yeah, I'm right," the hanyou snapped. "My dick is in danger!"

"_Our_ dicks are in danger!"  
"We've got to get our clothing back," Inuyasha said seriously.

"And then kill Shippou," Miroku snarled, his hands twisting his staff's pole as if it were the kits neck.

Inuyasha nodded murderously. "And get back those portraits that Kagome and Sango were holding and giggling about."

"Giggles like that are never to be trusted."

"Let's go. We've got a lot to do."

Resolutely the two men strode off into battle.

"This is so undignified," Miroku grumbled as he tried to stride and hold his skirt down at the same time.

Inuyasha cursed in agreement as his skirt blew up in the cold, cold wind.

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A/N: hehehe! Evil, no? I loved it. Hope you did too. Let me know what you thought!


	11. I Guess He Really Means It

A/N: chapter dedicated to my favorite Dr. Suess book, "I Don't Want To Wake Up Today."

This is a continuation of last chapter. To be honest, I couldn't resist. Usual disclaimer applies.

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**I Guess He Really Means It:**

"Well," Kagome said finally, "that was unexpected."

Sango cleared her throat. "This kind of puts all those times he groped me into perspective."

"Told you my hand was cursed," Miroku moaned from the ground.

"Fuckin' pervert!!" Inuyasha yelled, his hands protectively cupping his butt cheeks.

"It was the damn skirt," justified the monk weakly. "You were walking ahead of me and the wind kept on blowing the hem up a bit. It was just enough to tease with a little curve, you know?"

Inuyasha stepped on his friend's head and tried to grind it into the earth. "Pervert, I'm gonna kill you!" he hissed in reply. "Grope my ass, will you?"

"My hand is cursed! I've told you guys a thousand times!" wailed Miroku. "It's not my fault!"

"Who would have thought the guy wasn't lying?" reflected Sango.

Kagome mutely shrugged and mentally calculated how long before the monk lost consciousness.

Miroku raised his head with difficulty. "I didn't enjoy it!" he protested.

"Oh, that makes me feel so much better," snarled Inuyasha as he renewed his efforts to crush Miroku's thick skull.

"One last request?" he asked pitifully.

"Before you die?" The monk's victim snorted. "Sure."

"Could you hold down your skirt a bit? Every time you raise your foot, I keep getting flashed and the view is just not to my taste."

Inuyasha screamed in rage and flung the monk into a tree.

"We have just got to stop hitting Miroku on the head," said Sango shaking her head. Kagome winced and nodded.

"I like you Inuyasha, just not like that!" joked the nearly insensible Miroku.

"PERVERT!"


	12. King of the Mountain

A/N: well, I finally wrote it- Miroku and Inuyasha take revenge on Shippou. 'Try' being the optimal word here.

You'll notice the sir-mix-a-lot references. Sue me- i think that song is freakin' hysterical.

This is a continuation of chapter 3, chapter 10 and chapter 11. The saga continues!

Enjoy!

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**Who's the King of the F--ing Mountain Now?**

Inuyasha smiled an evil grin as he watched Shippou to begin to search for his clothing. "Perfect," he hissed.

Miroku shook his head and sighed. He had a feeling this was not going to work.

Once they had found Shippou sleeping off his pocky-induced sugar high in a tree, the men had furiously taken back their clothes with a lot of verbal abuse and as much as physical abuse as Kagome would let them dole out.

"Don't you think this is a bit...mean?" the monk asked.

"Have you forgotten last few nights?" Inuyasha hissed.

Kagome and Sango had made looking at the humiliating photos a nightly pastime and Inuyasha's fury had grown with every giggle. Miroku was not thrilled with the pictures either.

After discussing it, the pair decided a little payback was necessary but, being the more mature of the two, Miroku was having second thoughts.

"He's a child. We bribed him with candy, for the love of the gods," Miroku whispered.

Inuyasha glared at him. "That doesn't excuse anything! I would also be swayed by candy!"

"Do yourself a favor and don't say that again."

"Shut up monk."

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Shippou sat down from looking for his clothing and shook his head in exasperation. "They're adults...seriously, isn't this just a little juvenile?" Fully knowing who was watching him, he said a little loudly, "It's so dumb, it must be Inuyasha's idea..."

"SHUT UP RUNT!"

The kit giggled. _Ah, that boy is too easy to tease..._

"Shippou, you might as well come out naked because we are not giving you back your clothes for a long time," Miroku added.

Thinking for a moment, Shippou let out a devious grin. "Are you sure you want me to come out?"

"Get out of there brat!"

Shippou shrugged and proceeded to get out of the water and face his punishment like a man.

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"What are you guys doing to poor Shippou?" Kagome demanded as she watched the two semi-adults smirk.

Inuyasha shrugged. "He deserves it."

"Inuyasha! You already beat him up."

"He deserves it!"

"But you already got back at him!"

Inuyasha glared at Kagome. "Maybe if you stupid women wouldn't look at those pictures, I wouldn't have to do this."

"Oh, do not go blaming Shippou for-!"

"It's okay," said a high pitched voice from behind them. "I've got nothing to be embarrassed about."

All the adults looked down at little Shippou and abruptly realized he wasn't that little at all.

Shippou stood there, hands on his hips and grinned. His body was exactly as expected except for one important item.

After a few moments of silence, Miroku had to ask. "What the hell is that thing?"

"My penis," Shippou announced blithely. To everyone's astonishment, Shippou's dick hung down until right above his knees and swung in the mid-morning air as he moved. "I tried to warn you that you don't want me coming out naked but you refused to listen." He shrugged and the four adults watched Shippou's appendage continued moving for a few seconds afterward in a pendulum effect.

"Shippou, um...I..." Kagome tried to find word and eventually just shook her head. "We should definitely not be looking at this." Her eyes widened as the kitsune picked up his personal anaconda with both hands.

"Well, it is kind of impressive," Shippou said with reasonable pride. "I mean, when I pee, I can't even touch the end of it."

"That's too much information, thank you Shippou," Kagome said with a grimace.

"...How?" Miroku asked finally. "You're so...small!"

"Kitsune nature I suppose. You know Miroku, kitsune don't get all the ladies because we trick them into it," Shippou replied smugly. "We get the ladies because we're so well endowed."

"It's freaking enormous..." Sango mumbled.

"Sango!" Miroku shouted incredulously.

"I mean, look at it. It's just...so big."

"Tsk, tsk Sango," Shippou chided mischievously, "You can't have any of it. Naughty woman..."

"That, that was not what I meant!" she sputtered.

"Maybe I'll give you some when I'm older," he consoled mockingly.

Over her shocked gasps, he looked down at himself and said, "Yep. The gods broke the mold when they made me."

Red and furious, Sango hissed, "I'll break something else in a minute!"

Kagome glared at Shippou. "Get dressed Shippou! _Now!"_ she commanded over her shoulder as she dragged the murderous demon slayer away.

Shippou grinned wider and finally looked at the silent Inuyasha.

"Anything to add, hmm? Nothing?" he asked in delight as Inuyasha looked at the front of his red hakama pants and then at Shippou's cock and back at himself.

Miroku yanked Shippou's pants from Inuyasha's listless hands and threw them to the gloating child.

"Get dressed. Now." The monk demanded angrily. It was one thing to not have Sango's respect but to have her ogling another man was too much, especially when Miroku knew himself to be so...underwhelming in comparison.

Shippou languidly drew on his pants, stopping to thrust his dick down one pants leg. "It's so hard to have a penis this large," he said sweetly. "I always have to arrange it so carefully."

Both Miroku and Inuyasha glared at him venomously.

Shippou snickered. "You can bring me the rest of my clothing later. _I've_ never been ashamed when I'm naked." Strolling down the lane, Shippou hummed a happy tune and followed Kagome and Sango back to camp.

The sound of his younger nemesis' gloating rang in Inuyasha's ears long after the kitsune had left the area.

Miroku opened his mouth to say something but stopped as he saw a vein in Inuyasha's forehead throbbing.

"Why can't we ever win?" Inuyasha asked quietly. In sudden and complete rage, he lashed out and kicked over a tree_."Why the FUCK can we never, ever win against that gods damned brat??"_ Inuyasha roared.

He huffed and clenched his fist as the dust settled over the 40 foot tree now on its side. Miroku looked at the tree and wisely decided that neither of them was going to go back to camp until Inuyasha was as drunk as hell. Yanking his flask of sake out of his robes, he proffered it to Inuyasha silently.

Nodding, Inuyasha slung back a throat searing swallow and wiped his mouth.

"I don't know why we never win against him, my friend. I simply don't know," Miroku told him after he gulped down the sake. "I'm beginning to suspect we never will."

"Did you know about...that?"

"No! Did you?"

"I never looked! I never even suspected he had...that thing hidding in his pants!" Inuyasha shook his head and yanked back the alcohol. "Stupid kitsunes."

"Amen. Pass the sake."

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Shippou grinned in sheer enjoyment as he heard a screech from Inuyasha and the sound of his physical temper tantrum. Needing to pee, he hauled out his now normal sized dick which comfortably fit into the palm of his hand.

_Best illusion spell I ever did,_ he gloated. _Gotta remember to try it when I'm older._

Recalling the horrified look on the faces of the older men, he laughed out loud. _Try to trick a kitsune, huh? They should have known better than to try._

Finishing his business, he proceeded to cheerfully rifled through Kagome's briefcase. He had shown up in camp and the two girls had stammered something about finding food and ran away, unable to face him.

Shippou wasn't worried. He had all he needed right here.

He found his treasure deep underneath Kagome's extra panties and settled back to enjoy his illicit treat.

"Mmmm...Pocky!"

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A/N: So, i hope this provided some amusement for everyone. i just keep seeing this massive shlong hangng off of shippou's tiny body and start laughing. Let me know what you think!


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